


OCTOPUS TALKING IN ALL CAPS

by tree



Category: Octopus Steals My Video Camera and Swims off with It While It's Recording (Youtube)
Genre: ALL CAPS, Anthropomorphic, Embedded Images, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-24
Updated: 2011-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-28 01:18:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/302142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tree/pseuds/tree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>IT'S JUST WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [boosette](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boosette/gifts).



> Thanks, of course, to Justin at [ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS](http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com) for the concept. And thanks to my beta, catie56, who laughed.

  


HEY MAN, WHAT KIND OF CAMERA EQUIPMENT DO YOU USE? IS THAT THE CANON  
G12 WITH THE RECSEA G12 UNDERWATER HOUSING? I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT  
GETTING ONE OF THESE BUT I'M ALSO CONSIDERING THE IKELITE UNDERWATER  
HOUSING. HAVE YOU USED IKELITE BEFORE? IT'S A LESS EXPENSIVE INITIAL  
OUTLAY, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY OPTIONS AND ADD-ONS. LIKE, DO I NEED TO  
GET THE DUAL HANDLE AND TRAY ASSEMBLY? I DON'T KNOW! BUT I HEAR IT'S  
PRETTY POPULAR WITH THE PROFESSIONALS.

WOW, THIS IS REALLY LIGHT. I HARDLY FEEL LIKE I'M CARRYING ANYTHING AT  
ALL. THE CLARITY IS SUPERB. AND THE COLOURS! DO YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF  
BLUE FILTER ON THIS THING?

 

 

HEY MAN, WHAT KIND OF SPEARGUN DO YOU USE?


	2. Chapter 2

  


DO YOU HAVE A PERMIT FOR THAT CAMERA? RECORDING DEVICES ARE STRICTLY  
PROHIBITED. SIR THIS IS A SECURE FACILITY. I'LL NEED TO CONFISCATE  
YOUR CAMERA AND ESCORT YOU FROM THE PREMISES. PLEASE FOLLOW ME.

 

 

GUN! EVERYBODY DOWN, HE'S GOT A GUN!


	3. Chapter 3

  


Breathe, honey, breathe.

DON'T TELL ME TO BREATHE, YOU BASTARD. AND GET THAT CAMERA  
AWAY FROM ME.

But you've been saying for months that you wanted to film the birth.

THAT'S BECAUSE I WAS HIGH ON HORMONES AND BLISSFULLY OBLIVIOUS TO THE  
AGONISING PAIN I'D HAVE TO ENDURE AS A NEW PERSON IS SQUEEZED OUT  
THROUGH A TINY ORIFICE IN MY BODY. A NEW PERSON THAT YOU, I MIGHT ADD,  
HAD NO SMALL PART IN CREATING. SO PUT THE FUCKING CAMERA DOWN AND GO  
GET ME SOME ICE CHIPS. OR MAYBE SOME TEQUILA. OH CHRIST, I CAN FEEL  
ANOTHER CONTRACTION COMING. DON'T JUST STAND THERE STARING AT ME!

 

 

Honey? Can I come in?

OH MY GOD, STEPHEN, YOU BOUGHT ME THE GIANT TOBLERONE FROM THE GIFT  
SHOP! YOU ARE THE SWEETEST, MOST WONDERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD.  
I'M SORRY I WAS A LITTLE CRANKY EARLIER. THE EPIDURAL'S KICKED IN NOW.


	4. Chapter 4

  


RYAN, BUDDY, COME ON. YOU CAN'T KEEP LIVING YOUR LIFE THROUGH THE  
WRONG END OF THIS LENS. STOP TRYING TO CAPTURE EVERYTHING. JUST STEP  
OUT FROM BEHIND THE CAMERA AND START EXPERIENCING IT INSTEAD. I MEAN,  
I KNOW YOU LOVED AMERICAN BEAUTY. IT'S A VISUALLY ARRESTING FILM WITH  
A COMPELLING PLOT, AND, LET'S FACE IT, THOMAS NEWMAN'S SCORE IS  
INSPIRED. HE COMPLETELY DESERVED AN OSCAR. BUT ALL THE SAME, RYAN,  
IT'S A MOVIE. A MOVIE ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE'S LIFE.

 

 

UH, RYAN, I DON'T THINK YOUR HOMAGE TO KILL BILL IS REALLY AN IMPROVEMENT.


	5. Chapter 5

  


VICTOR, WILL YOU PLEASE PUT THE CAMERA DOWN SO WE CAN TALK? NO, I DO   
NOT WANT TO MAKE A SEXY VIDEO OF OUR "SWEET SWEET LOVIN'". AND YOU KNOW   
I HATE IT WHEN YOU CALL ME "BABY". IT'S DEMEANING.

VICTOR, GIVE ME THE CAMERA.

IF YOU DO NOT LET GO OF THIS CAMERA, VICTOR, I WILL HAVE MARTHA POUR   
YOUR 1990 CHATEAU LE PIN DOWN THE DRAIN.

ARE YOU READY TO LISTEN TO ME NOW? GOOD. VICTOR, I WANT A DIVORCE.   
I'VE ALREADY SPOKEN WITH MY LAWYER. THE PRE-NUP IS QUITE CLEAR AS TO   
THE LIQUIDATION OF ASSETS. YOU'LL RECEIVE 50% FROM THE SALE OF THE   
HOUSE AS WELL AS FROM OUR JOINT ACCOUNTS. IN THE MEANTIME I BELIEVE   
YOU HAVE SOMETHING OF MINE THAT I'D LIKE RETURNED.

MY GRANDFATHER'S ANTIQUE WHALING HARPOON, VICTOR. I WANT IT BACK.

YOU CAN HAVE THE CAMERA WHEN I HAVE THE HARPOON. I'LL WAIT.

 

 

THANK YOU.

I HOPE WE CAN CONTINUE TO BE CIVILISED ABOUT THIS, VICTOR. YOU KNOW   
HOW I DETEST A SCENE.


	6. Chapter 6

  


HEY CHERYL, CHECK THIS OUT. I'M GONNA TAKE THIS GUY'S CAMERA AND SWIM   
OFF WITH IT. LET'S SEE HOW LONG HE FOLLOWS ME.

 

 

HOLY SHIT! WATCH OUT, CHERYL, HE'S GOT A SPEARGUN!

 

WELL, THAT'S MY CARDIO WORKOUT TAKEN CARE OF FOR TODAY. GUESS I'LL GO   
ON OVER TO NATASHA'S. SHE JUST GOT SOME NEW FREE WEIGHTS. YOU SHOULD   
COME BY LATER AND HAVE A PROTEIN SMOOTHIE WITH US.


	7. Chapter 7

  


SIR, I MUST ASK YOU TO TURN OFF YOUR CAMERA. PHOTOGRAPHY AND  
RECORDING DEVICES OF ANY SORT ARE NOT PERMITTED DURING THE  
PERFORMANCE. REALLY, SIR, I MUST INSIST. IF YOU DO NOT TURN IT OFF  
I WILL BE FORCED TO CONFISCATE THE CAMERA.

 

 

SIR, THIS IS THE OPERA, NOT A PERFORMANCE OF THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE  
SHOW. THERE IS NO AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION. I MUST ASK THAT YOU REMAIN  
SEATED. ALLOW ME TO TAKE YOUR SPEAR TO OUR CLOAKROOM. IT WILL BE  
AVAILABLE FOR YOU TO COLLECT AT THE END OF THE PERFORMANCE.

KINDLY STOP STRUGGLING, SIR. THERE IS NO NEED TO DISTURB THE OTHER PATRONS.  
I WOULD PREFER NOT TO CALL SECURITY, BUT IF YOU REFUSE TO COOPERATE  
YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.

THANK YOU, SIR. ENJOY THE SECOND ACT.


	8. Chapter 8

  


ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT A VIDEO CAMERA IS SYMBOLIC OF WHAT LAURA   
MULVEY REFERRED TO IN HER 1975 ESSAY "VISUAL PLEASURE AND NARRATIVE   
CINEMA" AS THE MALE GAZE. IT'S AN EMBODIMENT OF THE WAY IN WHICH THE   
HEGEMONY OF THE HETEROSEXUAL MALE IN HOLLYWOOD POSITIONS WOMEN AS   
OBJECTS, AS THOSE WHO ARE SEEN RATHER THAN THOSE WHO ARE SEEING, AS   
BEING ACTED UPON RATHER THAN ACTING THEMSELVES. IT MAKES US NOUNS   
INSTEAD OF VERBS.

Claire, if you want to use the camera for a while, just say so.

I'D LIKE TO USE THE CAMERA FOR A WHILE.

Sure. Here you go.

THANKS.

No problem.

 

 

HEY, I SEE SOMETHING! QUICK, GIVE ME THE SPEARGUN!

What, you mean this phallic symbol? This implement of violence used in   
a thrusting motion not unlike the way in which a man will thrust his--

SHUT UP, TERRENCE.

Fight the patriarchy.

YOU ARE SUCH A JERK.


End file.
